Congo is the story of a woman who works at a communications company who needs to go on a secret rescue into the jungles of war-torn Africa to look for the lone survivor of an expedition to find super-diamonds that will power a laser gun, but because her mission is secret, she has to tag along with a treasure-hunter, a gorilla who uses a combination of sign language and robot technology to speak English, and a man who is in romantic love with the gorilla.
I’ll tell you what bothers me about this movie: The communications company is located in Houston, but every time you see it, there are mountains in the background. I lived in Houston for sixteen years - you know how many mountains I saw there? None. No mountains. The change in elevation from one edge of Houston can only be measured on a molecular level, and even if there were mountains on the horizon, you’d never see them through the smog.
Now I’ll tell you what didn’t bother me about this movie:
- Talking gorilla!
- “AMY. GORILLA. PRETTY. GORILLA. PRETTY. PRETTY. GOOD GORILLA. AMY. PRETTY AMY.”
- Bruce Campbell doing very little
- The very accurate depiction of a continent in political turmoil
- The absolute disregard for all human life. Most of the people in this movie die and noooooooobody cares.
- The way humans and exotic animals are seldom shown in the same shot
- Tim Curry’s Borat accent
- Whatever accent Ernie Hudson is doing
- The angry, literary inquiry, “Who is Kafka?”
- Parachuting out of plane while guerrillas shoot at it with bazookas
- Shooting multiple bazooka shots out of midair - with flare guns - in a plane with a dead pilot
- Hippo attack!
- Product placement everywhere
- The single leech that somehow slithers inside one guy’s underwear while he’s sleeping in a tent
- “AMY. GORILLA. AMY. PRETTY. GORILLA.”
- The guy playing Doom while eating name-brand fast food
- Huge ’90s cellphones
- Only being able to communicate from the jungle through a huge, elaborate camera setup, even though there are huge ’90s cellphones, unexplained tracking devices, and a diamond-powered laser gun
- DIAMOND-POWERED LASER GUN
- Gorilla-monsters who have been trained to kill
- “Put ‘em on the endangered species list!”
- A perfectly timed volcanic eruption
- ’90s CG lava
- Gorilla-monsters jumping into ’90s CG lava for no reason in particular
- Flying off into the sunset in a hot air balloon as if something’s been resolved and a dozen people didn’t just die for no reason
- Throwing away the diamond that powers the laser gun as if the business man can’t send in another crew after the ’90s CG lava cools to find another super-diamond; there were loads of them
- Throwing away the diamond that powers the laser gun while flying a big, slow hot air balloon through the skies that are monitored by ruthless, bazooka-equipped guerrillas
If you can get past that shameful locational flub, Congo is a PRETTY. GORILLA. AMY. GORILLA. GORILLA. AMY.